Friday, January 07, 2005

I Am The Walrus

Koo koo ka choo.

I find myself being really pensive, really contemplative these days. I've written it off to a loss of confidence over the past year, a loss of risk-taking that's probably not a good thing, but it's where I'm at right now. I'm more cautious with what I say and how I say it, because I really don't want to offend or hurt or be too thick when sharing what's on my mind. So I think my thinks and process the life inside more and more, and there's no real outlet for outflow of any of this in conversation. Well, except for this blog I guess, and for my wife who hears more of my off-the-wall thoughts than anyone else these days. And I've got AIM friends (you know who you are) who let me type my compulsives away while reserving judgment and letting me unleash the hounds, so to speak.

We've just gotten our feet wet in the small group we joined last fall, and it'll be a couple more weeks before we meet again to start a new book discussion. It'll be good, and I'm looking forward to it. But I miss leading, teaching, facilitating. I miss asking the hard & stupid questions that get a whole room to think from a different perspective. I miss the conversations that start one week and simmer over time 'til we meet again next week. I miss the way it used to be, because in the midst of all I was dealing with the small group and study time together was still such a wonderful release for me. It'll come again - and it'll have a new flavor with new friends and new relationships and new ideas and new perspectives that already stretch me in new ways. But I miss it the way it was, too.

I don't know if that's a bad thing or not. I want to be open, to be teachable and leadable for whatever comes next in this life. I don't want to go back, I really don't. But I look forward to the time when some of that re-enters the picture.


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