Thursday, December 02, 2004

Christmas Changes...

It's really hard to explain what I'm feeling most of the time. Like right now - this afternoon an old friend from our old church called me at the office, part of our lives for so many years. I'm thankful for her and her husband's friendship, having sent a thank-you card this week to say so. She said it was funny, had thought about us this week, too, and wanted to say "thank you" from them to us, too. But things won't be the same, will they? It's sad - I tried so hard to hold together the submission and loyalty and faithfulness, and when it backfired on me and all went kaput - everything changed.

I see God's hand, and I know He's not only faithful to use our lives purposefully, but that He is also the Grand Maestro behind the scenes, orchestrating "coincidences" and happenstance to His desired plans. There's too many such instances here to be written off and ignored. And yet it still hurts, maybe more a throbbing thing than a piercing thing over time. The dull ache of knowing that I betrayed a friend, that I lost friends, that we are making new friends when old friends are still feeling the pain, too... I'm not getting all self-pity in this again, promise (check me though, ok?). But it's Christmas - and we're doing Christmas cards - and I really don't want to leave anyone off the list... Not really sure what the list looks like though, you know?

'Tis the season... for melancholy, remembrances, thankfulness and regret mixed together. Makes us human, remembering and still moving on. Real forgiveness isn't a one time thing, but happens each time that thing pops back to mind. I hope that as I pop back to mind, forgiveness flows still.


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