Winter Rain

Winter around here has been fickle, much like my mood. We really haven't had much in the way of cold temperatures. A couple of instances of ice, some sleet, mostly rain and freezing rain a couple of weekends, and that's about it. I really want to see some snow, but I'm resigned to seeing a few snapshots from friends in Minnesota. Right now, it's raining again. I think I'm more "cheery" than the weather, but not much - and I'm feeling a little soggy around the edges. Thanks for asking.

I'm pondering "this week's thought": what floats my boat, why am I not doing it more, and what's keeping me from enjoying whatever that is? If I had to describe my "passion" to someone, I'd start with talking about conversations and relationships - that's the way I see small groups, or at least the small informal gatherings I've been a part of or have been leading the past couple of years. I watch as people really think through things together, try to articulate their questions and their fears and their opinions in community with each other. I listen for the heart at the center of debate, looking for a common ground or at least some base point where we find we've got more in common than just "agreeing to disagree". When people begin to "get it", somewhere beyond the typical traditional "sunday school answers" - that's what I'm passionate about. It floats my boat to make those discoveries in my own life, and being a part of someone else's journey like that is so much gravy.

So I ask questions, hard questions that don't tend to go away with yes or no answers. I ask them of myself, not satisfied with where I am in my own quest for significance and usefulness in the kingdom. I ask them of my friends, hoping to challenge and encourage them along the way. I listen to them, too - not just looking to hook someone up with the next new thing, but looking to get hooked up myself, to learn from the people around me and their life/spirit experiences. For me, the basic building block of relationship is communication and interaction - this is the stuff off which I thrive.

And it is the thing that most unnerves me right now. I lack my former confidence, and I don't have the optimism to make up for the abundance of cynicism and skepticism I've gained over the past little while. Even now, watching the rain hit the pavement outside, watching the cars rush through the puddles, seeing people walk with their heads down against the weather, I realize that I feel like that inside. It's not a bad thing, just a thing - I feel like it's raining inside, a little chilly, a bit of a breeze, and it's dampening the impulse to just explode and yell, THERE'S GOT TO BE MORE - DOES ANYONE WANNA TALK ABOUT IT?